It's been a war zone this week. The ugly beast has been stationed on code red. He must've had orders to lay me low because he (and it is a he...don't ask me why) has certainly achieved an almost World War 3 standard of pain, depression and fatigue. Since I last wrote, I have struggled to live a normal life as the Migraine Beast has put me into solitary confinement every day, taking me away from my children and husband. I have managed to escape a couple of times and enjoyed myself only to find the Ugly beast has dragged me back into the isolation cell afterwards, attacking me on all sides and at all times of day and night.
I've felt very angry towards this Ugly Beast. Angry that he chooses a family holiday to announce war. I turn into Sergeant Major Migraine Mum, prepared to go into fighting mode. A war mentality descends and nothing is going to stop me, I will beat the ugly beast off. But this wears me down even more and I start to listen to his lies........you're letting your family down, they'd all be better off with someone else, you are weak, you can't even run a house let alone have a job........and so the dark thoughts take over, and a form of self torture begins......
Unfortunately I have discovered this week that when I'm angry and in battle mode, the anger goes towards people I love and myself.....this has got to change.
Luckily, my family love me! Wow, what would I do without them? I love my family so much, they keep me in post....there are times when I want to go AWOL....a kind of perverse way of protecting them from dealing with the consequences of this illness and seeing mum/wife in such a state. I would never run away, it's just the only reaction I can have sometimes when in the depths of this war, I can't see any sign of peace. The Ugly Beast has me trapped in his prison and I want to escape.
But is this Beast really at war with me?? I know I'm at war with him.....a friend of mine with her own severe experience of migraine has enabled me to challenge this view of the Ugly Beast. Ugly it may be (and it really is Ugly), but also needy of attention....the Beast could be like a child who feels unloved, crying out for care and attention. This Unloved Beast is trying to gain my attention but every time he voices a need, I fight him off. I try to ignore him. And what happens when you ignore your children?.....they start to misbehave!!
So, if I don't listen to the Beast, then he starts to misbehave....sending me more signals that I need to listen and respond.
So, rather than soldiering on and fighting, I need to do something REALLY restful, restorative and relaxing....the 3 R's!! Then the Special Needs Beast (still Ugly) starts to calm down, happy that you are finally listening to his needs. The pain begins to go, the lows begin to fade and the fatigue cries out with relief that finally you have given the tank a bit more fuel.........no fighting, no war, no guilt, no shame...just kindness and a sense of peace that at this moment in your life, it is a time for rest.......AND you are still loved despite the beast's presence.....
I'm going to finish with words from my nearly 9 year old son who is turning into a very sensitive and kind person. He said to me "mummy, I love you, I love you even when you're ill".....that is priceless to me and cuts into all the rubbish lies that my mind tortures me with. What would we do without love? All you need is love (and triptans, aspirin and sleep)....I can feel another song coming on..........
www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4p8qxGbpOk
I've felt very angry towards this Ugly Beast. Angry that he chooses a family holiday to announce war. I turn into Sergeant Major Migraine Mum, prepared to go into fighting mode. A war mentality descends and nothing is going to stop me, I will beat the ugly beast off. But this wears me down even more and I start to listen to his lies........you're letting your family down, they'd all be better off with someone else, you are weak, you can't even run a house let alone have a job........and so the dark thoughts take over, and a form of self torture begins......
Unfortunately I have discovered this week that when I'm angry and in battle mode, the anger goes towards people I love and myself.....this has got to change.
Luckily, my family love me! Wow, what would I do without them? I love my family so much, they keep me in post....there are times when I want to go AWOL....a kind of perverse way of protecting them from dealing with the consequences of this illness and seeing mum/wife in such a state. I would never run away, it's just the only reaction I can have sometimes when in the depths of this war, I can't see any sign of peace. The Ugly Beast has me trapped in his prison and I want to escape.
But is this Beast really at war with me?? I know I'm at war with him.....a friend of mine with her own severe experience of migraine has enabled me to challenge this view of the Ugly Beast. Ugly it may be (and it really is Ugly), but also needy of attention....the Beast could be like a child who feels unloved, crying out for care and attention. This Unloved Beast is trying to gain my attention but every time he voices a need, I fight him off. I try to ignore him. And what happens when you ignore your children?.....they start to misbehave!!
So, if I don't listen to the Beast, then he starts to misbehave....sending me more signals that I need to listen and respond.
So, rather than soldiering on and fighting, I need to do something REALLY restful, restorative and relaxing....the 3 R's!! Then the Special Needs Beast (still Ugly) starts to calm down, happy that you are finally listening to his needs. The pain begins to go, the lows begin to fade and the fatigue cries out with relief that finally you have given the tank a bit more fuel.........no fighting, no war, no guilt, no shame...just kindness and a sense of peace that at this moment in your life, it is a time for rest.......AND you are still loved despite the beast's presence.....
I'm going to finish with words from my nearly 9 year old son who is turning into a very sensitive and kind person. He said to me "mummy, I love you, I love you even when you're ill".....that is priceless to me and cuts into all the rubbish lies that my mind tortures me with. What would we do without love? All you need is love (and triptans, aspirin and sleep)....I can feel another song coming on..........
www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4p8qxGbpOk
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