Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Coping with a chronic pattern of migraine

I'm a walking migraine. No work today and only just managed to be mum this morning, trying to pack my 3 off to school.

"Mum, I can't find my tights". Migraine mum scrabbles around in the drawers.

"The tights must've been washed....let's try the linen baskets".....washing flies luck...."hmmmm...", hand on chin and looking into the sky, "the tights must be in the tumble dryer" (I'm beginning to sound like Sherlock Holmes, working out some intricate mystery....THE CASE OF THE MISSING TIGHTS)...migraine mum runs like a maniac downstairs (not a good idea as movement hurts my head even more, I feel sick)....we only have 5 mins to go before it's time to leave for school (stress, I'm not dressed yet either). "Brush your hair and teeth while I am doing this" I shout  up the stairs...(ow) but child 2 & 3 decide following me around is much more interesting...oh no, wet washing in the tumble dryer......"ok (last resort) let's look in the washing machine. Aha! Mystery solved! Just wear these ones! " (the ones she wore yesterday.....a bit smelly but hey ho! They are dry!)

Some days I can get requests like this from all three children before school and it serves as a reminder to me that Migraine mum is not keeping up with everything.

For a couple of months, I have been getting migraines that keep coming back. I feel as though my body needs to stop and rest but I have been ignoring this. I am in a cycle of pill popping and catching early nights to's not working. I found myself crawling on the floor at 3am (not ideal), looking for a tablet I had dropped....then going downstairs to get more tablets and a drink of water. When I woke this morning, I looked in my glass of water and saw a floating egg cup! Even amongst the pain and weariness, I found myself chuckling at that! My brain is definitely not working!

So why am I in this chronic pattern? I think it's all to do with pacing myself...again! I don't give into them because I am frightened that my life will be reduced down to migraine. I love working and I hate missing out. I feel I have so much to give. I want to be a mum full of energy and fun, I love being creative but this seems to drain me. I am frightened that if I start to give into the migraines, my boss will start to notice and then I will be questioned as to why I am off so much. I want to be seen as a person who is well and not someone who can't cope with life (my interpretation)...I feel weak and unreliable. Sometimes taking a pill enables me to carry on so when I get a migraine I work on the theory that once the pill has got into my system and the pain has gone, I can carry on as normal and no one needs to know. It's like a dark secret that only my most dearest will know... This works the majority of the time but not at the moment .

I have no final answers today, only that I am now listening to my body. I think I need to review how I am spending my spare time (which I have been filling with lots of creative and satisfying activities that make me feel alive!) Perhaps migraine mum needs to accept that being mum and working a little is enough and may be this chronic cycle of pain, exhaustion and more pain will fade away again. My head says yes but my heart says no!

 For now, i'm off for another sleep (This morning, I was rudely awoken from my 'healing' sleep by my neighbour drilling in the room next to mine...what are the odds)! MM x

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